dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
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