i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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