Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
