i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
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