There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
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