Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Randomize
