Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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