I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I need to wash the frat house off of me
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
