I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Randomize
