brad dismisses pussy with prejudice
Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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