This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Randomize
