Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
I cut my penus on the lid.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Randomize
