Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
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