I'm laying in your front yard are you home
There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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