I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Eating in charleston sc at a seafood place called "hymans". Like normal I had no problem finding it.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
