we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Randomize
