she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Randomize
