this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
she looked like the before picture.
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
