he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
