I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
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