I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
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