The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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