They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Randomize
