I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
I showed him my bush... on skype.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
Randomize
