Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I deserve this hangover.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
Randomize
