People with herpes should wear stickers.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
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