Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
Randomize
