u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
she peed on how many people?
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Randomize
