if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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