I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
No more Irish car bombs ever.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
