I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
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