i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
