If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Randomize
