if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
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