peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
