There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
did i just pee glitter
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Randomize
