So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
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