bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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