He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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