I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Randomize
