made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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