There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
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