honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
