Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
Randomize
