cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
Ketchup is God's man juice
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Randomize
