Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
You did what with his pubic hair?
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