remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
