I just saw a hot homeless man
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
