There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
