please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
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