It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Randomize
